The better we understand the human mind, the better we are able to understand why someone might be behaving in a particular manner, which in turn allows us to enjoy more fulfilling relationships in both personal as well as professional spheres of our lives.
Pride of guilt and guilt paradox
I have observed that guilt often comes with an aspect of subconscious pride ("I have committed SUCH A TERRIBLE SIN; I am not worthy of being forgiven"). This usually happens because that act, no matter how deplorable according to them, makes the person feel significant in their own way ("I did this... I DID THIS!"); especially when nothing else in their life makes them feel significant enough ("At least people are noticing me; they might not like what I did, but finally I am no longer invisible... and... if I am forgiven, I might be forgotten!")
What makes the situation more complicated is if the person doesn't feel guilty of their act, many people have a tendency to start to experience guilt for not feeling guilty ("Every good people feel remorse upon doing something wrong; if I don't feel guilty, it would mean that I am not a good person, and I definitely don't want to be a bad person!") This ends up perpetuating the guilt. The first time I had this realization was while self-reflecting; I felt guilty about not feeling guilty for thinking ill about someone, and then after multiple conversations with others, I was relieved to know that I am not the only person who felt like that.
Forgiveness Paradox
Even if we are contemplating whether to forgive someone or not, it implies that the person matters enough for us, for if a person doesn't matter to us, we will not bother about matters of forgiveness for both forgiving and hating require effort, and nobody puts effort for people who don't matter to them.
Remember, the opposite of love isn't hate; hatred is the anger we have towards people we love/care about, for they have disappointed us...
Knowing this can ease the process of forgiving.
Dealing with differences
I have observed that whenever we encounter something new, especially when it doesn't align with our existing internal knowledge and belief systems, we react in one of the two ways; the less common reaction is of wonder and excitement (of learning something new, or doing something out of the ordinary), while the more common reaction (since our brain has been trained through the process of evolution to be cautious of anything that doesn't fit into our existing patterns, because it can very possibly be fatal like a berry or a creature one hasn't seen before) is of fear. This fear further manifests in either of the two ways, glorification or vilification.
When we glorify someone or something, the underlying motive is to be in their good books, so that no harm befalls us. And when we vilify something or someone we usually engage in one of the three responses: aggression (directly hurting the target), passive aggression (provoking others to join our campaign), and/or avoidance (staying away as much as possible). At the end of the day, both of these responses are designed to merely protect our lives from imminent danger.
Unfortunately, we live in an environment where the likely causes of death from our primitive days are no longer a threat, but our brains have not caught up with this change, due to which we continue to operate from the same patterns.
I believe three words become critical here: compassion (for the self and the other), empathy (towards the self and the other), and awareness (about the self and the other).
Preventive Gaslighting
The most common form of gaslighting is when a person shifts the blame on the accuser to protect themselves by actively blaming them. But there are other (more subtle) ways a person can gaslight. One of the most fascinating gaslighting patterns that I have observed is what I like to call "Preventive Gaslighting", where the person goes on a journey of self-vilification.
At the end of the day, a person with high narcissistic traits (consciously refraining from using the label of "Narcissist" here because almost all of us possess these traits up to a certain extent, for we carry our insecurities within our psyche) wants to protect themselves from any possible blame, and a person practicing preventive gaslighting paints a picture of themselves where they are the sole source of misery in the lives of the people they love and care for. Even though on the surface level it seems that they are burdened with guilt, but a person who genuinely feels guilty shall explore ways to make amendments instead of wallowing in these emotions as a permanent state of being (it is natural to feel shameful and guilty on the onset of the event, but when these emotions become so powerful that actions are hindered, is when problems begin to arise); what is happening here is the person is taking preventive steps against possible blame by feigning responsibility (genuine responsibility is backed by accountability, which is backed by action). The intention here becomes to induce guilt in the other person through pity (they hope for responses like "It's not your fault", "Oh poor thing, stop taking all the blame", "You are such a nice person, I think I must have done something wrong", and the like); unlike typical gaslighting where one induces guilt via more aggressive means like actively blaming the accuser.
However, it is important to remember that more often than not, the person practicing preventive gaslighting might not even consciously realize that they are engaging in such patterns; their conscious reality very well can be one of self-pity (self-pity lacks accountability that genuine guilt entails).
Another subtle discrepancy that can be observed in such situations is why are they taking sole responsibility for everything that goes wrong; are they overestimating their ability of causing misery in other's lives (in line with the concept of "Pride of Guilt" that I had discussed in the first point)?
Laziness
One thing I have learned from professional experience and personal reflection is that the concept of laziness as it is perceived by the masses is misplaced. So, what is laziness? Etymologically speaking, a person who is lazy is one who lazes around, which means to do nothing or being idle. This further begs the question, when or why does a person choose to do nothing?
Multiple factors can be at play here; one might be feeling overwhelmed and taking a step back, one might be confused because of lack of clarity and is trying to figure things out, one might be simply contemplating the next steps of action, one might be afraid of failure and refraining from action to prevent embarrassing themselves, one might simply be taking a moment to enjoy by themselves in silence, and list can go on. Despite the multitude of factors at play, one thing that remains constant is the fact that while externally it might seem that nothing is happening, it is not necessary that it is the same reality in the inner world.
Being Hangry
One of the obvious reasons for this is the physical discomfort the body experiences when hungry, but another reason that is at play is that when there is food in the stomach, most of the energy is directed there to facilitate the process of digestion, but when there is no food to digest, those energies get redirected towards cerebral processes. And since our brains are programmed through the process of evolution to be pessimistic and fearful (since back in those days being happy and relaxed could turn out to be fatal), most of our thoughts are critical and unpleasant (even though our dear brain is simply trying to protect us and make our lives better). Inner work (working on our insecurities, fears, and inner demons) and being comfortable with uncomfortable thoughts become important here.
There is another type of hangry, that doesn't really have to do with food in the belly. We can be hungry for other things in life as well; love, attention, knowledge, power, fame, and so on. When these kinds of hunger are not fed, it leads to disappointment, and this disappointment can manifest in the form of irritability and anger.
Which aspect of the human mind did you find to be relatable or fascinating? Share your thoughts in the comments section.
P.S: This post shall continue in the next blog.
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